Saturday, December 4, 2010

Dixie's disturbing event

Okay, get this. I was doing my afternoon security check when I noticed this dude (pictured left) standing in front of my house. I know that he wasn't there last night because I secured the area after my late night walkie with mommy. Don't let the smile fool you. I can tell that this guy is up to no good. What's up with those arms? Innocent candy canes or deadly weapons? I think the latter. Anyway, I gave him a warning growl and he didn't even acknowledge me! He kept that stupid grin on his face and pretended not to recognize the threat that was clearly issued in his direction.
The humans around here don't seem to realize the imminent danger that they are in. But don't worry, dear followers, I am prepared to begin my stake out. Updates will follow. Your brave diva-Dixie

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dixie's hat

Yes, that's me. Yes, that's a Santa hat. Don't I look thrilled? Do you think that she bought little hats for the feline members of the household? How about a mini hat for that hamster? That would be no and no. So the question is, why do I continue to carry the entire burden of being adorable for the collective animal population?  My responsibilities are too cumbersome to wrap one's head around sometimes.  And by the way, I think I'll eat the hat.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dixie's views on cat relocation

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I probably look a little tired today. I'm definitely not in top diva form. I know that you are asking, "Dixie, who could be so inconsiderate as to disturb your valuable beauty rest?" Well, I knew you would be curious so I took a photo of the bane of my existence. It wasn't easy to maneuver the camera, but sometimes a picture is indeed worth a thousand words.  And do you see that she is sticking her tongue out at me?! Can you believe the disrespect?
Anyway, let me tell you what started this morning's conflict.  I was relaxing in peace after barking at the recycling truck for a while. It was a well deserved nap, believe me. Suddenly I hear a scary noise. It was a ghost for sure. And I don't care how tough you are, it's not wise to mess with disembodied spirits. This led me and mommy to investigate.  Mommy told me it was probably pipes or the dishwasher acting hinky. I was standing by the ghost thing.  This creates a great deal of stress for a diva, worrying about an angry soul wandering among the living.  Anyway, it turns out that it was the *bleeping* cat, snoring into the vent and projecting her harsh vibrating soft palate noises all over the house. What the heck is that?  I think this is the perfect excuse to make her move in with Auntie Dawn. I am packing her bags.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

the pumpkin issue

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I just had to show you my new toy! But get this...I heard mommy say that she got this cool new toy because she wanted to desensitize me to pumpkins. Seriously? Like I can't tell the difference between a fluffy plushy ball and a freakishly large squash that burns candles in his head and has been known to remove freckles? Like my squeaky toy compares to something that has 15 miles of roots, can grow to be over 1,000 pounds, and enjoys having its insides carved out for fun? Yeah, okay. I don't think so. But keep this between you and me because I might get more cool toys out of it. Your always sneaky diva-Dixie

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dixie's costume escape

Hi! It's me, Dixie! It looks like I may be getting away with a spooky bandana this year, which means that mommy realizes that she's still on thin ice after last year's banana suit. I heard her saying that she wanted to put me in an Antoine Dodson costume, but she couldn't find the parts. Good thing. That may have been the last straw.

So now that the costume embarrassment seems to have been by-passed, all I need to do is figure out how to avoid the monumental amount of pumpkins in the neighborhood. Creepy things. 

Happy Halloween! Your diva-Dixie

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dixie's views on rolling in it

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I'm sure that you, my always observant followers, have noticed that I am wet.  That's right, I was forced to endure another unessential bath due to my mommy's olfactory hypersensitivity.  This morning I was delighted to find a pile that someone's owner forgot to scoop up, so I innocently rolled in it.  What self-respecting dog would pass that up?! Do you see what I'm saying?  Yes, I heard her say, "Dixie Marie, if you roll in that (insert empty threat here that I tuned out)..."  But there is documented proof that this is a natural behavior. Who am I to go against nature?!   Mr. Ron Kurtus, an expert in dog behavior, says that it's part of my instinctive roots. My roots! He claims that dogs rolling in it will "mask their own scent and enable them to sneak up on their prey without detection."  That's high level thinking!  She should be rewarding me, not putting me in the bath.  Anyway, now I smell like oatmeal and vanilla. Repulsive.  Hopefully one of the cats will hack up a hairball soon that I can roll in. Your odor free diva-Dixie

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dixie's discovery of Jazzy

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I've been keeping busy barking at school buses this week, but I miss my little humans being home. To pass the time I decided to read mommy's email, and I discovered something cool!  Mommy won a book.  I know that this doesn't seem like exciting news to those of us who would rather chew our feet, but the exciting twist is that mommy got picked by a dog!  That's right! Jazzy, an adorable Japanese Chin, pulled my mommy's name from her dog bowl and declared her victory over the other book-lover-humans.  I need a cool job like that! Jazzy has inspired me to seek new places to use my talents.  Don't worry, I will still maintain the high level of home security and diva responsibilites that are expected by my fans.  However, I am ready to embark on my pursuit for a glamorous side job.  Updates will follow shortly.  Your diva-Dixie

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Dixie's first smooch

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I am somewhat breathless at the moment after a romantic moment on my evening walk.  I saw that splendiferous yellow lab, Barney, today.  We went to say our usual "hi", and he licked me right on the face!  This was quite unexpected because I was wearing the humiliating harness thing today. Now I am tormented with the question of  whether my first true kiss was indeed a pity smooch because he was mortified for me due to the harness, or if he was so (justly) overcome by my beauty that he did not even notice the offensive harness.  This will likely plague my thoughts for some time. I must have a Pup-peroni treat and ponder it for a while.  Your agonizing diva-Dixie

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dixie's views on frugality

Hi! It's me, Dixie! Yes, I know it's a little hot to be out in the sun, but I wanted to allow the golfer humans to admire my new haircut. Okay, I know what you are thinking before you even say it.  You are thinking, "Dixie, with such a gorgeous haircut, where are your bows?"  Yes, I know.  They are appallingly absent.  I am having a hard time putting this oversight into perspective.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that we all have to endure financial sacrifice during these times...but we're talking about my bows.  Get serious.  I'm freezing mommy out at the moment. She won't allow this to happen again, I promise you.  Your fluffy fabulous diva-Dixie 

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Dixie's views on firework phobia

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I wanted to wish all of my fans a happy holiday weekend.  I know what you are thinking though.  You are saying, "Dixie, Why do you look so concerned on a weekend of BBQ fun?"  Well, I am afraid that I have a case of firework phobia. Although this is common for dogs, divas and non-divas alike, it appears that my humans did not take the appropriate steps to insure that I would escape this predicament.  According to the leading dog health websites, it was important for my humans to carry out several steps of desensitization.  My sources say that they were supposed to pair sounds similar to fireworks with yummy treats, cuddle time, or games.  My treat/cuddle/game schedule has been fairly typical this week without any special auditory bombardment designed to prepare me.  So due to no fault of my own I am having difficulty finding my firework mojo.  Please don't let this ruin your celebrations, maybe just send me some yummy treats...that should help.  Your unprepared diva-Dixie 

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Dixie's views on doggy bags

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I'm a little nervous today because we have some scary rain, but to get my mind off of it I have been watching the local news.  It's important to stay well informed about the weather and current events when you are a diva.  However, I did see a disturbing piece this morning during the food segment.  I'm not sure how this report started because I was chewing my tail, but I heard the words "doggy bag" and perked up.  Have you ever heard of these things?  I love the concept!  The idea is that leftovers from a meal are taken home for the diner's dog.  What could be better?! But wait.....the person on the television said a very bad thing. Very bad. Sitting? You need to be. Ready? He said, "Of course, people don't actually waste such quality food on a dog." Did you get that? Yes, you read that correctly. People don't actually waste such quality food on a dog.  I am speechless. I mean, I don't actually produce speech, but you get my point.  I'm sorry if I have ruined your weekend.  Please do not fret, beloved reader, I can only assume that this individual was fired once the offensive comments were made.  Now I need a Pup-Peroni treat. Your  diva-Dixie

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The pup formerly known as Buster

Hi! It's me, Dixie! And here's my cousin again. It has come to my attention that he is no longer being called Buster. This naming business can be tricky, but I am nothing if not a problem solving diva. I have taken this task on as my personal mission. Please consider all of the facts, and then vote in the poll over there. First, let me tell you about this very cool divo, formerly known as Skip, formerly known as Buster. He is known for chewing on leather furniture, paper towels, stuffed animals, and footwear. He also likes to scratch my auntie's wood floors, and she is reported to love that! Since I know that you, my loyal followers, have excellent taste...please let me know what I should submit as my official recommendation on this matter. Your helpful diva-Dixie
ETA:   My cousin has been officially named again.  His new name is Ricky. Updates to follow if this name doesn't stick. 

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

the collar issue

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I have been enjoying the sunshine today.  And what's the best part? You got it! More walkies!  And this seems like something that humans can't complicate, right?  Um, wrong.  Mommy got it into her head that I was at risk of tracheal collapse and back injuries because I lunge at stuff.  Can someone tell her that lunging is cool?  Yeah, I know I end up choking after a good lunge, but that adds to my brutelike image.  So anyway, she brings home this harness doohickey.  If you haven't seen one of these things, they are ridiculous.  I am losing serious mojo points every time that I go out in this contraption.  I am currently working on a plan to destroy this device of puppy demoralization.  Updates to follow.  Your pal-Dixie

Friday, April 9, 2010

Dixie's views on bite imperfections

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  My neighbors are having a garage sale today so I have been very busy with my barking and growling, but I wanted to take a break from scaring bargain hunters to tell you about my morning. I went in to have a beauty treatment including a dental cleaning.  It's not fun for a diva, but I take pride in my smile so I went along with it.  Anyway, when mommy picked me up she made an indiscreet remark about my "shiny underbite".  Underbite? So of course I came home to google this term.  Guess what I found?  An underbite is considered to be a "bite imperfection".  Humans actually spend good money to have them fixed.  Marie Antoinette was reported to be ashamed of her underbite.  So how could this term be applied to me?  I continued my research and found that a very handsome boxer, Pabst, won a contest because of his trademark underbite.  This is good news, right?  But wait! Guess what the contest was called?  It was the 21st annual World's Ugliest Dog Contest.  Are you kidding me?  This dude is splendiferous!  I'll attach a picture as proof.  So once again I am amazed at the weirdness of  humans.  Your pal-Dixie

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I have a cousin!

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I am one very excited diva today because I found out that I have a new cousin!  Isn't he cute?  I have discovered that a boy diva is called a "divo".  So welcome Divo Skip! 

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Dixie's views on holiday recognition

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I am feeling a little perplexed today.  I was thinking ahead to my plans for April.  I'm sure that you all know that it is Dog Appreciation Month, and you have probably been busy with your preparations as well.  So you may be asking, "Dixie, How could this upcoming celebration have you troubled with uncertainty?"  Well, here's what happened.  You may want to sit down.  While researching the history of dog appreciation I discovered that February 23rd was Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day.  It goes without saying that I have an exceptional mental capacity for retaining facts and events, but somehow I don't recall getting any special dog biscuits or unique buscuit related products on February 23rd.  How could that be?  Do you understand my confusion now?  So now I have turned my researching energy to methods of payback aimed at humans who ignore Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day.  I am open to suggestions.  Your puzzled diva-Dixie

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Happy Birthday to my little girl human!

Can you believe she is 72?!  She obviously takes my beauty tips seriously.  Yes, I know she's only 14 in people years, but whatever.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Ummm....anyone else thinking that I look like a harp seal?
The things that I put up with, sheesh!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dixie's views on Federal holidays

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I already know what you are saying.  You're asking, "Dixie, This is a holiday so why aren't you relaxing?"  Well, here's the deal....Federal holidays actually make more work for a responsible diva.  Yes, the mailman isn't coming so I can check that off of my to do list, but extra barking is required for these neighborhood kids who aren't at school.  And don't even get me started on the extra dog walkers!  I googled it this morning and I found out that only non-essential workers are supposed to be off.  I am nothing if not essential.  So it is another manic Monday for divas everywhere.  Your essential diva-Dixie

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Dixie's views on groundhogs

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I am feeling somewhat confused this morning.  I know that this will bother you, my loving followers, but I have just discovered that a groundhog has actually been given consistent annual television coverage just for coming out of his hole in the ground.  That's right, I kid you not.  We're talking about an animal that humans call a whistle-pig.  And I might add that this nickname is fitting.  And what does he actually do? He looks around.  Wow...impressive.  Seriously, I went outside this morning and I noticed my shadow.  I remember thinking, "That is one good looking shadow."  Then I come in to enjoy my treat, and I see this dude on the news.  Do you see the problem here?  Of course you do because you appreciate a diva. I can't believe that I even asked.  I'm going to contact my lawyer about this. Updates will follow soon.  Your beloved diva-Dixie 

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Dixie's views on feline behavior

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I've been minding my own business relaxing with my toys and chewing on my feet on this cold day.  Anyway, suddenly I was taken a bit by surprise when one of the cats commented that I am a little spoiled. Can you believe that?  I don't know where this attitude comes from.  These felines have some serious issues.  To prove my point I have attached a picture of Maxie with her toys.  See????  What's her deal anyway?  Your verbally mistreated diva-Dixie

Friday, January 22, 2010

Dixie's salon day grievance

     I clearly stated that I wanted an updo.  Ummm...this is clearly the cut-and-bow combo that I got the last time.  How am I going to maintain my image of an edgy fashion diva with the cut-and-bow thing?  Every dog in there was getting a cut-and-bow.  Do you see my point?  And she tried to win my forgiveness with a pink bunny.  Not likely.  But I'm keeping the bunny.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Dixie's views on peanut butter

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I'm keeping busy chewing on zombie dog, but I wanted to stop in and give you my opinions on peanut butter.  This is on my mind due to an unfortunate incident that happened with Mommy this morning.  You see, I always take my pill with my Jif peanut butter.  I love that stuff.  Love. It. If you haven't tried it, you simply must.  So anyway, Mommy goes to give me my pill and I detect that something is a little hinky.  Then I notice that she has the Peter Pan peanut butter out on the counter.  What the heck?!  Of course I'm not eating that.  So she says to me, "You eat goose poop and mud!"  What's her point?  So get this...she actually wipes off the substandard stuff and puts Jif on the same pill.  Are you kidding me?  She doesn't even bother to hide this deceitful action, she does it right in front of me!  Well, my friends, I am nothing if not committed to brand loyalty.  Finally she gets it.  I get a new pill. I get my Jif.  What I didn't get was an apology, but I'm going to let it slide this time.  Your forgiving diva-Dixie 

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dixie's views on power-napping

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I realize that at first glance it may seem like football-dog and I are being lazy and not performing our important diva duties.  But do not fear, beloved reader, I would never let you down!  Football-dog and I are taking a power nap.  You see, the National Institute of Mental Health has shown that power naps can boost my energy and creativity, as well as reverse information overload. Information overload! That can cause a diva some serious stress. Think about that!  I have increased barking demands now that the plow guys are coming around.  Don't even get me started on the snow blowers. Within minutes I will be more alert and have improved response time!
Now I'd like to give you a few important power-napping tips.  You may read that you should avoid caffeine (whatever that sounds like a made up word to me) in order to have the best power naps.  Don't listen to that hooey.  Here's what you half of an oreo and then crash on the couch with your football-dog.  It is best if your football-dog smells like dog spit.  It's also good to have him nearby in case you get hungry during your power nap and need to chew on his ear.  That, my loyal followers, is the secret to excellent power-napping.  Your Diva-Dixie