Sunday, February 12, 2012

Dixie's views on turning 4

Hi! It's me, Dixie! Guess what? I'm 4! I had a very exciting birthday this past week. I got the polka dot elephant that I was hoping for, and I got to go on an awesome walkie. Of course, with another birthday I have been spending time in deep thought about what I want to accomplish as a four-year-old. Now that I am a tweeting dog I am noticing that many other tweeting dogs are involved in efforts to promote social change. I am finding myself inspired to do my part as an influential diva. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "But Dixie, you already do so much to improve divas across the world!" Yes, this is true. And don't fear, I am devoted to my craft and will continue on. However, there is an issue that I believe needs me. I'm sure you know what I am talking about as it is close to all of our hearts. The attack on the peanut-legume family, specifically our precious peanut butter.
One disturbing thing that has come to my attention is that humans are banning foods that associate with peanut butter. That is discrimination in its most upsetting form. How does that make the peanut butter feel? And they call it "cross contamination"...a very rude term indeed. Don't humans realize that peanut butter adds luster to a dog's coat? They are trying to decrease our luster! It is also where I get my niacin. Now granted, I am not really sure what niacin is, but it sounds important. So I have decided to become a vigorous activist for this cause. I feel it is my responsibility as a four-year-old diva. Your socially aware heroine-Dixie  

Monday, October 31, 2011

Dixie's Halloween

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I thought that I had an understanding with mommy about the Halloween thing since last year I got away without a costume, but she is back to her old ways.  A fairy princess? Everyone knows that the cool dogs are going like Snooki this year.
Anyway, I wanted to update all of you, my loyal fans, on why I have been so distracted lately. Recently I was on a walky with mommy and I saw this strange fellow hiding in the neighboring shrubbery. Needless to say, I was a bit alarmed. I decided that I would play it cool and see if he would evacuate the area simply based on seeing me on my rounds. Unfortunately he was still there on my next walky. I managed to contain my panic until I did the appropriate research, and I discovered that he calls himself a gnome. Don't be fooled by the cute little name! He is actually a humanoid with terrible fashion sense.  I don't know about you, but I don't trust anything that ends in "noid". I gotta' watch this fellow. But for the moment I am going to bark at trick-or-treaters. Your diva-Dixie

Friday, August 5, 2011

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dixie's views on being proactive

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I know you are wondering where I have been. I have been enjoying a much needed sabbatical, resting from my customary duties and taking the time to acquire new diva skills. Mommy has been getting more magazines lately, and the style sections have been quite helpful. However, you really need to hear what has been going on this last week. Mommy is once again on a mission to refresh my haircut. I am still trying to recover from her cutting those sumptuous bangs several months ago. This time I decided to take a procative approach. At the first signs of her scheduling my salon time, I faked a medical emergency. Yes, I know it's hard core, but I have found that extreme measures are needed. So I choked. Don't worry, I had everything under complete control. Since much of my sabbatical time has been used to sharpen my acting skills, this was actually pretty easy to pull off. Mommy not only canceled my appointment due to my trauma, she also got me new soft treats and special chewy stuff. Score one for Dix. Of course I expected her to reschedule the appointment, which she did, and that was for this morning. Anyone notice that I still have my long glossy hair? Ha! I can not reveal my methods, but I managed to...ummmm....take care of my groomer. So he doesn't show up this morning (I would be doing an evil laugh here if dogs could laugh) and I'm back on my chair barking at the garbage truck. Score two for Dix. I assume that yet another reschedule is in the works, but I'm on a roll. I am sure that I will be reporting to you very soon with my tresses intact. Your crafty diva-Dixie

Monday, May 2, 2011

Dixie's views on the tie out stake

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I know that everyone likes to hear about my daily activity updates, but I fear that I must get right to the point today. The tie out stake...I've avoided this particular topic in the past because once I get started it just gets me too worked up. A diva should avoid getting worked up. I'm sure you are asking, "Dixie, what could have possibly happened to cause this change in policy regarding tie out stake commentary?"....well, get this. My humans tend to haphazardly move my tie out stake at unpredicatble times. Yes, it's annoying. Usually I am quite tolerant. Yes, I know my easygoing nature is impressive. This weekend, however, my tie out stake was moved to a location that makes it impossible for me to reach my good poop spot. I can get sooo close, it's like right there. I've tried every angle, but it is impossible to reach. How am I supposed to recreate a poop spot as special as that? And where is the motivation? They would probably just move the stake again! A diva needs an incentive to do things. Divas don't just make good poop spots willy nilly.  So I am sure that you, my intelligent followers, understand why I am unsure how to preceed.
 Oh yeah, and I keep getting twisted around this damn tree.  Your worked up diva-Dixie

Monday, April 11, 2011

Dixie's views on consistency

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I haven't had time to blog in a while because I was visiting my grandma. While I was there I caught something called "Bieber Fever" from my cousin. Don't tell my humans because they don't want this fever. My teenage girl human thinks this fever is repulsive for some reason. But have you seen this dude's grooming job? If he goes to Petsmart then I have to find out who his stylist is!
Besides having to conceal my fever, I have also faced other challenges since returning home.  For example, I had my grandpa trained perfectly to drop whatever he was doing and come rub my belly every time that I sat on the sofa corner and barked. No joke! And grandma would sit in the kitchen with me whenever I wanted to eat. If she didn't sit with me, I didn't eat. It worked like a charm. But I assume that you have already guessed that my mommy is not following through with these new routines. Get this....I sat on the sofa corner and barked, and she stuck me outside. Are you kidding me? This inconsistency is not good for a diva. The leading dog training websites seem to agree that human inconsistency is one of the main causes of dog stress. It impacts my temperament! I don't know what that means, but it doesn't sound good! I'm off to sit on the sofa corner and bark again. Wish me luck! Your diva-Dixie

Monday, March 14, 2011

Dixie's bad Monday

Hi. It's me, Dixie. So my darkest fears were realized this morning as I was dragged unwillingly to Petsmart with instructions directed to my stylist to give me a "puppy cut". Really? And someone should tell her that calling it "classic"doesn't change it. This cut is sooo 2010. I realize that if anyone can pull off the vintage thing it's me, but I think she just wants to trap me in a time warp for her own twisted pleasure. Doesn't this pattern of mommy behavior indicate some sort of syndrome? I'll just add this event to the growing collection of material for my upcoming memoir. I am sorry if I've ruined your Monday morning with this update. Don't fear, the swoop will return. Your vintage diva-Dixie

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Dixie's views on a good swoop

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I've been spending my Saturday looking for the latest fashion trends to jazz up my image, and I have one word for you. Bangs. That's right, I discovered that I have that natural "dramatically flat" look that Redbook says the celebrities want. I don't even have to try! Look at these bangs! According to Hair Resources it is very important to achieve a good swoop. It's like they were thinking of me specifically when they wrote that. These bangs are the definition of good swoop, don't you agree?  Now here is the problem...I see the word "Petsmart" on the calendar for Monday. Why would that be on the calendar? If she was shopping at Petsmart then why would she put it on the calendar?? There is no way that she intends to get these bangs cut, right?! Right!!?? Maybe I am just reading the word wrong (It is kinda' hard to see through these bangs) and it says something else. That has to be it. I'm sure that I will be reporting in on Monday that my bangs are still fabulously swooping. Okay, I feel better now. Your swooping diva-Dixie  

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Dixie's views on muddy feet

Hi! It's me, Dixie! Check out my cool muddy feet! Mommy and I went on our walkie and there was all kinds of stuff to step in! It. Was. Awesome. Mommy is insisting that I need a bath, but seriously....humans pay good money for this kind of mud! Any diva knows that mud removes pore clogging impurities, improves circulation, and reduces signs of aging. I mean, I'm 3 now! I need to take aging seriously! I saw on the Diva Village website that mud "contains nutrients, trace elements, and various minerals". I love elements, especially the trace ones.  So hopefully I will be able to avoid the bath and maintain my muddy paws. Your hopeful diva-Dixie 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Dixie's views on being 3

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I'm 3 today! Oh boy! I'm very excited to celebrate my special day, but those of you who saw my post a few weeks ago know that this also marks an end to the terrible twos. Whew! In my eagerness to begin this new phase of my life, I decided to research what  wonderful things are expected in my threes. I was happy to find that these are my years of exploration, and that I will be spending lots of time learning through observation. That sounds like me. But then, get this, according to the National Network for Childcare I should be able to draw a circle and hop on one foot. What the heck is that about?  What's the point of this? That mutt down the block, Duke, is way older than I am and I've never seen him draw a circle. However, I am nothing if not an open-minded diva, and if it is expected that I draw a circle in order to have successful threes, then draw a circle I will. So I am off to begin my quest for shape mastery. But first, to celebrate my birthday, I will chew on my blue monkey's ear for a bit. Your 3-year-old diva-Dixie

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Dixie's snow mountain

Hi! It's me, Dixie! No really, it's me! I bet that you thought I was some really good looking arctic wolverine or some other dangerous glacial predator, but it's really just me standing guard on my snow mountain. Mommy made me wear the fluffy purple jacket even though I tried to explain that it is difficult to establish authority when I look this good, but she didn't listen. You will notice that I am not wearing the boots. I won that battle. Anyway, I haven't detected any of those shifty snowmen yet. I'm sure that they saw me up here. Yeah, that has to be it. If anything comes up I'll let you know. Your fearless diva-Dixie

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Dixie's views on terrible twos

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I have very exciting news! In just a couple of weeks it will be my third birthday! Beloved followers, I am looking forward to this for more than the obvious reasons. You see, I have been living in dreadful anticipation of something for an entire year. It all began last year when mommy made an offhand comment about me entering the "terrible twos". She failed to elaborate on this at the time which caused me a great deal of stress. How can she just heartlessly throw that out there and not explain? What will be terrible about my twos? What horror awaits me?  So of course I used my superior research skills to look into the matter. However, this was not as helpful as you may expect.  You see, I kept getting misdirected to information about willful misconduct and unattractive tantrums on the part of the two-year-old.  That's obviously not what she was talking about. I mean, be serious. Me? Unattractive tantrums? So I came to the conclusion that whatever it is must be too terrible to discuss openly. When that snowman dude was standing out there I was sure that was it, but apparently he left. Yep, that's right...I scared him. And although the frizzy hair issue was upsetting, it wasn't exactly terrible. So I have to make it about 3 more weeks before I am in the clear. I need to return to my post, but I will bring you any new developments immediately. Your vigilant diva-Dixie 

Friday, January 7, 2011

Dixie's views on flyaway hair

Hi! It's me, Dixie! No, it really is me! I realize that I have dry flyaway hair that is not worthy of a diva, but that is hardly my fault. I consulted Cosmopolitan magazine and discovered that I am in dire need of Matrix Extreme Creme. Okay, easy enough. So I printed the indisputable facts to show to mommy.  She was surprisingly unmoved. What the heck? We're talking about static electricity on my head!! What could be more important than that? Doesn't she realize that I have extra electrons...that's too many electrons! If I touch a conductor I will get shocked! So now I have to worry about avoiding conductors on top of everything else. This is way too much stress on a diva. Also, what if that cute pooch, Barney, sees me with this flyaway hair? I can't even think about this anymore. I have to go chew my foot. Your electron loaded diva-Dixie

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Dixie's disturbing event

Okay, get this. I was doing my afternoon security check when I noticed this dude (pictured left) standing in front of my house. I know that he wasn't there last night because I secured the area after my late night walkie with mommy. Don't let the smile fool you. I can tell that this guy is up to no good. What's up with those arms? Innocent candy canes or deadly weapons? I think the latter. Anyway, I gave him a warning growl and he didn't even acknowledge me! He kept that stupid grin on his face and pretended not to recognize the threat that was clearly issued in his direction.
The humans around here don't seem to realize the imminent danger that they are in. But don't worry, dear followers, I am prepared to begin my stake out. Updates will follow. Your brave diva-Dixie

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dixie's hat

Yes, that's me. Yes, that's a Santa hat. Don't I look thrilled? Do you think that she bought little hats for the feline members of the household? How about a mini hat for that hamster? That would be no and no. So the question is, why do I continue to carry the entire burden of being adorable for the collective animal population?  My responsibilities are too cumbersome to wrap one's head around sometimes.  And by the way, I think I'll eat the hat.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dixie's views on cat relocation

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I probably look a little tired today. I'm definitely not in top diva form. I know that you are asking, "Dixie, who could be so inconsiderate as to disturb your valuable beauty rest?" Well, I knew you would be curious so I took a photo of the bane of my existence. It wasn't easy to maneuver the camera, but sometimes a picture is indeed worth a thousand words.  And do you see that she is sticking her tongue out at me?! Can you believe the disrespect?
Anyway, let me tell you what started this morning's conflict.  I was relaxing in peace after barking at the recycling truck for a while. It was a well deserved nap, believe me. Suddenly I hear a scary noise. It was a ghost for sure. And I don't care how tough you are, it's not wise to mess with disembodied spirits. This led me and mommy to investigate.  Mommy told me it was probably pipes or the dishwasher acting hinky. I was standing by the ghost thing.  This creates a great deal of stress for a diva, worrying about an angry soul wandering among the living.  Anyway, it turns out that it was the *bleeping* cat, snoring into the vent and projecting her harsh vibrating soft palate noises all over the house. What the heck is that?  I think this is the perfect excuse to make her move in with Auntie Dawn. I am packing her bags.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

the pumpkin issue

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I just had to show you my new toy! But get this...I heard mommy say that she got this cool new toy because she wanted to desensitize me to pumpkins. Seriously? Like I can't tell the difference between a fluffy plushy ball and a freakishly large squash that burns candles in his head and has been known to remove freckles? Like my squeaky toy compares to something that has 15 miles of roots, can grow to be over 1,000 pounds, and enjoys having its insides carved out for fun? Yeah, okay. I don't think so. But keep this between you and me because I might get more cool toys out of it. Your always sneaky diva-Dixie

Friday, October 22, 2010

Dixie's costume escape

Hi! It's me, Dixie! It looks like I may be getting away with a spooky bandana this year, which means that mommy realizes that she's still on thin ice after last year's banana suit. I heard her saying that she wanted to put me in an Antoine Dodson costume, but she couldn't find the parts. Good thing. That may have been the last straw.

So now that the costume embarrassment seems to have been by-passed, all I need to do is figure out how to avoid the monumental amount of pumpkins in the neighborhood. Creepy things. 

Happy Halloween! Your diva-Dixie

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dixie's views on rolling in it

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I'm sure that you, my always observant followers, have noticed that I am wet.  That's right, I was forced to endure another unessential bath due to my mommy's olfactory hypersensitivity.  This morning I was delighted to find a pile that someone's owner forgot to scoop up, so I innocently rolled in it.  What self-respecting dog would pass that up?! Do you see what I'm saying?  Yes, I heard her say, "Dixie Marie, if you roll in that (insert empty threat here that I tuned out)..."  But there is documented proof that this is a natural behavior. Who am I to go against nature?!   Mr. Ron Kurtus, an expert in dog behavior, says that it's part of my instinctive roots. My roots! He claims that dogs rolling in it will "mask their own scent and enable them to sneak up on their prey without detection."  That's high level thinking!  She should be rewarding me, not putting me in the bath.  Anyway, now I smell like oatmeal and vanilla. Repulsive.  Hopefully one of the cats will hack up a hairball soon that I can roll in. Your odor free diva-Dixie

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dixie's discovery of Jazzy

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I've been keeping busy barking at school buses this week, but I miss my little humans being home. To pass the time I decided to read mommy's email, and I discovered something cool!  Mommy won a book.  I know that this doesn't seem like exciting news to those of us who would rather chew our feet, but the exciting twist is that mommy got picked by a dog!  That's right! Jazzy, an adorable Japanese Chin, pulled my mommy's name from her dog bowl and declared her victory over the other book-lover-humans.  I need a cool job like that! Jazzy has inspired me to seek new places to use my talents.  Don't worry, I will still maintain the high level of home security and diva responsibilites that are expected by my fans.  However, I am ready to embark on my pursuit for a glamorous side job.  Updates will follow shortly.  Your diva-Dixie

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Dixie's first smooch

Hi! It's me, Dixie! I am somewhat breathless at the moment after a romantic moment on my evening walk.  I saw that splendiferous yellow lab, Barney, today.  We went to say our usual "hi", and he licked me right on the face!  This was quite unexpected because I was wearing the humiliating harness thing today. Now I am tormented with the question of  whether my first true kiss was indeed a pity smooch because he was mortified for me due to the harness, or if he was so (justly) overcome by my beauty that he did not even notice the offensive harness.  This will likely plague my thoughts for some time. I must have a Pup-peroni treat and ponder it for a while.  Your agonizing diva-Dixie

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dixie's views on frugality

Hi! It's me, Dixie! Yes, I know it's a little hot to be out in the sun, but I wanted to allow the golfer humans to admire my new haircut. Okay, I know what you are thinking before you even say it.  You are thinking, "Dixie, with such a gorgeous haircut, where are your bows?"  Yes, I know.  They are appallingly absent.  I am having a hard time putting this oversight into perspective.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that we all have to endure financial sacrifice during these times...but we're talking about my bows.  Get serious.  I'm freezing mommy out at the moment. She won't allow this to happen again, I promise you.  Your fluffy fabulous diva-Dixie 

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Dixie's views on firework phobia

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I wanted to wish all of my fans a happy holiday weekend.  I know what you are thinking though.  You are saying, "Dixie, Why do you look so concerned on a weekend of BBQ fun?"  Well, I am afraid that I have a case of firework phobia. Although this is common for dogs, divas and non-divas alike, it appears that my humans did not take the appropriate steps to insure that I would escape this predicament.  According to the leading dog health websites, it was important for my humans to carry out several steps of desensitization.  My sources say that they were supposed to pair sounds similar to fireworks with yummy treats, cuddle time, or games.  My treat/cuddle/game schedule has been fairly typical this week without any special auditory bombardment designed to prepare me.  So due to no fault of my own I am having difficulty finding my firework mojo.  Please don't let this ruin your celebrations, maybe just send me some yummy treats...that should help.  Your unprepared diva-Dixie 

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Dixie's views on doggy bags

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  I'm a little nervous today because we have some scary rain, but to get my mind off of it I have been watching the local news.  It's important to stay well informed about the weather and current events when you are a diva.  However, I did see a disturbing piece this morning during the food segment.  I'm not sure how this report started because I was chewing my tail, but I heard the words "doggy bag" and perked up.  Have you ever heard of these things?  I love the concept!  The idea is that leftovers from a meal are taken home for the diner's dog.  What could be better?! But wait.....the person on the television said a very bad thing. Very bad. Sitting? You need to be. Ready? He said, "Of course, people don't actually waste such quality food on a dog." Did you get that? Yes, you read that correctly. People don't actually waste such quality food on a dog.  I am speechless. I mean, I don't actually produce speech, but you get my point.  I'm sorry if I have ruined your weekend.  Please do not fret, beloved reader, I can only assume that this individual was fired once the offensive comments were made.  Now I need a Pup-Peroni treat. Your  diva-Dixie

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The pup formerly known as Buster

Hi! It's me, Dixie! And here's my cousin again. It has come to my attention that he is no longer being called Buster. This naming business can be tricky, but I am nothing if not a problem solving diva. I have taken this task on as my personal mission. Please consider all of the facts, and then vote in the poll over there. First, let me tell you about this very cool divo, formerly known as Skip, formerly known as Buster. He is known for chewing on leather furniture, paper towels, stuffed animals, and footwear. He also likes to scratch my auntie's wood floors, and she is reported to love that! Since I know that you, my loyal followers, have excellent taste...please let me know what I should submit as my official recommendation on this matter. Your helpful diva-Dixie
ETA:   My cousin has been officially named again.  His new name is Ricky. Updates to follow if this name doesn't stick. 

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

the collar issue

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I have been enjoying the sunshine today.  And what's the best part? You got it! More walkies!  And this seems like something that humans can't complicate, right?  Um, wrong.  Mommy got it into her head that I was at risk of tracheal collapse and back injuries because I lunge at stuff.  Can someone tell her that lunging is cool?  Yeah, I know I end up choking after a good lunge, but that adds to my brutelike image.  So anyway, she brings home this harness doohickey.  If you haven't seen one of these things, they are ridiculous.  I am losing serious mojo points every time that I go out in this contraption.  I am currently working on a plan to destroy this device of puppy demoralization.  Updates to follow.  Your pal-Dixie

Friday, April 9, 2010

Dixie's views on bite imperfections

Hi! It's me, Dixie!  My neighbors are having a garage sale today so I have been very busy with my barking and growling, but I wanted to take a break from scaring bargain hunters to tell you about my morning. I went in to have a beauty treatment including a dental cleaning.  It's not fun for a diva, but I take pride in my smile so I went along with it.  Anyway, when mommy picked me up she made an indiscreet remark about my "shiny underbite".  Underbite? So of course I came home to google this term.  Guess what I found?  An underbite is considered to be a "bite imperfection".  Humans actually spend good money to have them fixed.  Marie Antoinette was reported to be ashamed of her underbite.  So how could this term be applied to me?  I continued my research and found that a very handsome boxer, Pabst, won a contest because of his trademark underbite.  This is good news, right?  But wait! Guess what the contest was called?  It was the 21st annual World's Ugliest Dog Contest.  Are you kidding me?  This dude is splendiferous!  I'll attach a picture as proof.  So once again I am amazed at the weirdness of  humans.  Your pal-Dixie

Sunday, March 28, 2010

I have a cousin!

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I am one very excited diva today because I found out that I have a new cousin!  Isn't he cute?  I have discovered that a boy diva is called a "divo".  So welcome Divo Skip! 

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Dixie's views on holiday recognition

Hi!  It's me, Dixie!  I am feeling a little perplexed today.  I was thinking ahead to my plans for April.  I'm sure that you all know that it is Dog Appreciation Month, and you have probably been busy with your preparations as well.  So you may be asking, "Dixie, How could this upcoming celebration have you troubled with uncertainty?"  Well, here's what happened.  You may want to sit down.  While researching the history of dog appreciation I discovered that February 23rd was Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day.  It goes without saying that I have an exceptional mental capacity for retaining facts and events, but somehow I don't recall getting any special dog biscuits or unique buscuit related products on February 23rd.  How could that be?  Do you understand my confusion now?  So now I have turned my researching energy to methods of payback aimed at humans who ignore Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day.  I am open to suggestions.  Your puzzled diva-Dixie